Almost twenty years ago, I couldn't have imagined esports becoming popular in the US because it was so disparaged by mainstream media and outright unaccepted by the sports community. Those were the days of the MLG (Major League Gaming) Pro Circuit. My brother and friends and I would watch the Halo 2 tournaments on TV and dream of getting the chance to compete in pros gaming. In fact, we even supported each other at regional LAN (local area network) tournaments with no real success to speak of. Regardless, it just wasn't something people supported or really understood. Most still don't.

Today, I'm excited to watch my favorite teams compete for their share of a $1 million prize pool in a professional battle royale video game tournament. Let me introduce you to esports in the form of Apex Legends Global Series.

First, Apex Legends is a first-person battle royale hero-shooter developed by Respawn Entertainment and published by Electronic Arts. It was released in 2019 and currently boasts over 67 million active players. Because I'm hoping people like my mom or my wife will read this (fat chance), let me explain what some of that means. "First-person," most of the time referred to as "fps," is when you play a game in the perspective that you are the hero. The "hero," (in this game called, 'Legends') is a character with unique abilities that you can use throughout the game. You pick which Legend you want to play, often based on team composition and which legend abilities coordinate well with one another, or according to which legends' skins (outfits) you like best. (Just kidding! — no I'm not.) Apex Legends battle royale is a team game in which 20 teams of 3 battle to be the last team standing. At the beginning of the game, you drop into the game map while skydiving to your desired point of interest. Once you land, you collect loot, which is everything from guns and bullets, to shield upgrades and health. You'll typically pick up what you can, but once you're on the ground, it's a race to be the winner. So, that means you're gonna fight.

The fighting is where the excitement is, and it's also why fps games make for great entertainment. It takes hundreds, often thousands of hours to gain the skills of a professional gamer. It's my opinion that this is the issue parents and frankly, most people my age and older, take with esports. Many still imagine video games as a time-waster or perpetrator of laziness. Believe that if you want. However, you cannot imagine the pressure and strategy it takes to play games at this level. Don't believe me? Go check out the comments sections on social media posts about local high schools and colleges adding esports to their scholastic activities. Most esports are team games, which requires great communication, collaboration, practice, and planning. Many colleges and universities are giving scholarships for esports! Your kids aren't in any trouble of becoming useless just because they have an interest in video games. I could write pages about this topic, but I really want to tell you about the ALGS tournament.

Last weekend, May 2-5, the Apex Legends Global Series year 4 split 1 playoffs took place in Los Angeles, CA. As the name suggests, this tournament hosts 40 teams from around the world, and they've qualified through a series of online regional circuits. (I've simplified that a lot!) In this tournament there were 12 North American teams, 8 EMEA teams (Europe, the Middle East, and Africa),  8 APAC North teams (Asian Pacific North), 8 APAC South (Asian Pacific South),  2 South American teams, and 2 invited Chinese teams. Most of these teams are represented by an esports organization which fields teams that compete in different games. For example, Spacestation Gaming (SSG) represents teams in Apex Legends, Rocket League, Rainbow Six Seige, Halo, PUBG, Brawl Stars, and Overwatch 2.

Before the tournament begins, the teams are sorted into 4 groups of 10, which appear to be assembled using a snake draft method. There isn't much consequence to group placement because the first round of the tournament is a round robin, where every group will play every other group in 6 matches (3 matches on 2 different maps), to determine bracket placements based on points they earned. Points are earned by match placement plus kills. 1 point per kill, 1 point for placing 15th-11th, 2 points for placing 10th-8th, 3 points for placing 7th-6th, 4 points for placing 5th, 5 points for placing 4th, 7 points for placing 3rd, 9 points for placing 2nd, and 12 points for placing 1st.

The group stage, or round robin started at 10 AM PT Thursday, May 2nd, and continued on Firday, May 3rd. On Saturday, May 4th, the bottom 20 teams after the conclusion of the group stage (based on points) played in the losers round 1 bracket for 6 matches. The top 10 teams from that game moved on to play in the losers round 2 bracket, and the bottom 10 teams were eliminated from the tournament. The top 20 teams from the conclusion of group stage (based on points) played in the winners bracket for 6 matches, and the top 10 teams from that game (again, based on points) moved on to the finals bracket, while the bottom 10 teams moved on to the round 2 losers bracket. Losers round 2 bracket played 6 matches. The bottom 10 teams were eliminated from the tournament, and the top 10 moved on to finals. Finals, took place on Sunday, May 5th. The finals bracket is a match point series, in which the highest seeded teams are rewarded points to start. Once a team earns 50 points, they become Match Point Eligible. Then, they must win a game to become ALGS Year 4 Split 1 Playoff Winners, taking home $300,000 + Playoff Points to help them qualify for the year-end ALGS Championship.

The group stage round robin action really kicked off the weekend in an exciting fashion. If you want to watch, check out ALGS highlights on YouTube. Here is a link to a website called, Battlefy if you're interested in following along with the scoring and stats for the next split. Also, if you're interested, the teams I'm rooting for in ALGS year 4 are, SSG, o7, and I'm a shameless fan of the powerhouse TSM. It might seem like a lot is going on and it's hard to follow, but watch esports the way you would watch any sport you're not familiar with. There is crowd noise from fans at the event, casters giving you play-by-play commentary, and match discussion from a panel desk after each match. I encourage you to check it out. First-person battle royale hero-shooters might not be your thing, but next time I'll tell you about race car soccer.


UPDATE 5/6/24
APAC North team REJECT WINNITY wins the region's first ever ALGS LAN tournament! The series came to a close after a nail-biting 8 games. In the final game we saw 8 out of 20 teams match point eligible, making REJECT WINNITY's victory that much more impressive. The team claimed their trophy and the $300,000 prize in a convincing display of talent. Their own, Sangjoon, was crowned Split 1 Playoffs MVP. Congrats to them and to APAC North. With their win, they've secured more spots in the next split for their region, and a win like this from a new region is good for the sport. GGs go next.

I want to talk about something that doesn't get enough attention. I want to talk about baby loss and awareness, particularly for partners.

Earlier this year my wife and I suffered a miscarriage. Go back and read that again. My wife and I suffered a miscarriage, and I did everything I could to help her through it. I put on the strong face. I let her cry on my shoulder. I provided for her and our daughter, and I was the best version of myself that I could be. I did all of that for her... but I fear I didn't do enough for me. Don't take this the wrong way, I don't resent her for anything. I don't feel bad for being a man and doing what had to be done. In a lot of ways, being there for her helped me too, but grief doesn't tend to go away that easily. I did everything I could to help my wife through this, but what I didn't realize was that in my grief, I probably wasn't doing enough. We really should have seen a counselor to help us understand our grief and work through it.

Since the tragedy I have been doing a lot of research, particularly online because I live online (it is my occupation). There are absolutely astonishing statistics about miscarriage that I/we didn't know at all. However, those seem to change depending on your source. One statistic that sidelined me was that it could be one in four or one in five pregnancies end in miscarriage, or more commonly represented as a percentage - 25%. While that number alone is staggering, support for partners is still shockingly scarce.

Understanding that she feels full emotional and physical aspects of pregnancy loss, partners are not immune to its impact. I read that one in five mothers suffer from long-term symptoms of post-traumatic stress after a miscarriage, one in 12 partners do too. Both parents experience the loss.

This experience had me feeling depressed, insecure, scared, worried, and all the things in between. It made me feel like I wasn't good enough, which is what led me to search for some relief. I needed to know how other men deal with this emotional baggage that was/is weighing me down. Surely the answer is to guzzle a gallon of whiskey and sleep it off, right? But it's too big for that. This was my baby. We were picking names even though we didn't know the sex. Now none of those names could be considered for our next baby when and if we're lucky enough for that miracle. I cannot even imagine why someone would choose this kind of loss, but that's another subject entirely.

Look, I know you're all expecting me to tell you about all the great resources I found at this point, but the truth is, I didn't. There really is not enough baby loss support for partners. Besides that, the more I read online, the more disconnected from the tragedy I felt. And that wasn't the point at all. I needed to feel it. I needed to be overcome with grief so I could get to work on getting through it. It's a sad admission that I've experienced enough close personal loss in my life to know what I need to do to get through it. However, this was a different kind of loss. It was new, so I needed a sort of compass to help get me on my way. The only problem was that I wasn't finding it online. Sure, there are some good spots to land, like the Miscarriage for Men website established by Chris Whitfield. But if you're like me, you need more.

You guys, this is the part that shocked me...

One day a couple of weeks ago I was watching TikTok videos on my phone and an idea popped into my head. It was late and the girls were asleep, so I decided to head downstairs to my hideout (that we refer to as the office). When I got to the office, I looked up and down all the book cases for my Bible. I found a Bible, actually about 4, but I couldn't find my Bible. (Some of you will understand.) So I grabbed one and sat at the desk. This idea that popped in my head was that if I just open it and read I will feel relieved. The idea that this Truth will help me didn't seem to be what I was looking for, but I went with it. Besides it was like  10:30 at night, what else did I have going on. I blindly opened the book to Jonah - to the beginning of Jonah. So, I read.

Now, Jonah is a good and easy read. We all know the story, and I've read it a dozen times. This was a statement from a pastor friend of mine: "Jonah makes us face the fact that our prejudices and hatred can blind us from what God calls us to do." Well, okay, Bible. So what is it that God is calling me to do? The answer was, of course, to read and to pray. Pray. I'm not as familiar with prayer as I used to be. I could barely remember what it was like to communicate with God. I'll tell you this, as soon as I started it was like talking to an old friend. I talked about everything. Talked about all the feelings I had, about all my worries. I asked for forgiveness, and I asked for guidance. I have prayed almost every day since.

That is where I found relief for all the post-traumatic stress. Now I can get through the grief.

Ashley and I need to find a church home. This has been a big missing piece in our lives, and I believe we will find one. And I want to thank God for the man who randomly came to our door last night just to tell us that Jesus loves us, and invite us to church. There was no sales pitch or preaching, there was no pushy prayer, there was just a beautiful older man (scraggly and bearded) telling us that Jesus loves us. Telling us that God changed his life and he wanted to invite us to church. My friends, there is something happening. Are you ready?

This year has been hard... like, really hard. It really didn't even start off great (except for the Chiefs winning the Super Bowl). With this stupid virus taking peoples parents and grandparents away from them, closing everything, losing jobs and completely destroying lives, Republicans and Democrats at each other's throats, police officers making mistakes, riots, protests, and general unrest, it's no wonder our (my) mental health is plummeting. Probably though, the hardest thing for me has been this unending feeling that something is missing. And look, I'm very fortunate, I have a roof over my head, food in the fridge, a beautiful wife, perfect kid, I drive a nice car (nicest I've ever owned anyway), and I was never laid off or had my job threatened during this stupid pandemic. I have it good. So why do I feel this way?

This feeling actually started creeping in this summer. I think at that time it was a combination of things. Maybe a mix of being tired of having to stay at home, and also seeing all those social media posts of people living it up at the lake or camping, whatever. I was probably feeling jealous, left out. Probably, but it started to morph into something I didn't recognize. It's deeper than jealousy or resentment. I know it's not that. I'm dealing with something that feels like a part of me is missing. Have you ever felt that? What is it?

I've been thinking a lot about music lately. You know, I used to consider myself a musician? I have never been as talented as my brother or many of my friends, but I could create, I could sing. It was how I identified. But I haven't considered myself a musician in a long time, not even during the brief time that I played bass with The Coterie. I only ever felt like I was just fulfilling a role. I really hope those guys don't think I wasn't into it though. I absolutely loved playing in that band. I just wish I could have been as creative as I had been years ago. Back when I was writing song lyrics daily, and stumbling my way through crafting chord progressions. I wasn't that to The Coterie, and I kind of always thought they deserved better.

I haven't really been reading as much as I used to either. Actually, let me rephrase that, I haven't been reading books as much as I used to. I've had an Audible account for years (ever since I started working at Angus) and I have around 75-85 books in my library. So, most of the "reading" I do is audio. However, I miss it. I miss getting lost in book stores - much to the dismay of my wife. I love the way getting a new book feels like the start of the school year when you're young. I love how different it is to handle a paperback and a hard back. I am one of those people who vehemently disagrees with folding down the corner of a book. I'm THAT guy! Anyway, I miss books. But I have a lot of them, so nothing is stopping me or keeping me from them.

I don't know what it is. I'm angry all of the time (not outwardly). I'm bored. I'm sad about things I should just let go. I'm disconnected, which is horrible because I have a little girl to help raise. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to fix this. Who should I talk to? Is it enough just to put it out on the Internet that I'm a messed up turd. Who knows?

I don't have much love for the month of November. It seems like the first of the month starts out gloomy and a gloomy cloud hangs around for the rest of the month. This month will be six years since my dad died. It will also mark one year without my grandma Blumer.

You know how when a loved one dies you look for anything with that person in it, photos, videos, social media posts, etc., but you're looking for their likeness. You're looking for their face. You know what destroys me the most? Voicemail. They say that when a loved one dies the first thing you forget is the sound of their voice.

When my dad died I still had a voicemail message from him on my phone. It wasn't even that old. It was from the weekend before he died. He was reminding me that his band, Remedy, was playing at the St. Joseph Riverboat Casino. He wondered if Ashley and I would be there. (We totally were, and they were great!) When I remembered that the message was in my inbox I almost froze on the spot. It was a chance for me to hear my dad's voice again. It was something I thought was gone forever. Which was such a stupid thing to think, really, because videos with him talking in them existed. It wasn't like I would never hear it again. However, the voicemail was a personalized message. It was meant only for me. Except for Ashley, nobody else even knew it existed.

It felt heavy. I always knew it was there. I listened to it so much that I worried my iPhone would automatically delete it because it knew I had heard it already. I had a lot of moments where I would just listen to it alone in the car. I would make up a scenario where we were going to see him that coming weekend. Honestly, I was miserable. That's a weird thing to experience. While the message, his voice, made me happy, it really wasn't helping me grieve. I wasn't dealing with losing my dad, not really. I just never wanted to lose that piece of him that was mine. So, I deleted it.

I'm not making light of it. That little action was as hard as signing his death certificate. I fought myself so hard that I cried for days after. (I realize there is a Deleted Messages folder on iPhone, but I also cleared it from there.) It wasn't healthy to keep that weight hanging around my neck, or in my pocket, so to speak. I had to do it, and even though it hurt to my bones, I knew it was the right call. I started to feel better. Not right away though. It really took some time, but I didn't feel like anything was holding me down. Now it kind of feels bad to think of it that way. What a weird, vicious circle.

Worse yet, I have the same situation with a voicemail from my grandma Blumer. It's from a few months before she died. Again, the message was meant only for me. It's really hard to listen to it because you can hear how much pain she was in at the time. I know I'm going to have to do the same with this message, but I'm going to need more time with it. See, this one hits in an entirely different way. When my dad died, Ashley and I weren't even married yet. I hadn't even proposed (even though he was the first one to know that I was going to). We hadn't bought our house yet. And Opal wasn't even a thought.

​With Grandma it was a little different. She was at the wedding. She had an opinion of the neighborhood where we bought our house. She heard directly from Ashley and I that we were expecting. She was excited for us. She was happy about our future. It's hard for me to delete this one because I miss her so much. Not that I didn't miss my dad, but I was closer to him. Heck, I worked right next to him. It's not that I wasn't close with Grandma. I certainly was, but they lived an hour away from home and we didn't make the drive very often. I never lived with her. Most of the memories I have of my grandma always seem so long ago. I suppose that's a true sign of getting older. I want to keep this message. I want to, but I know I shouldn't. Because it only took once listening through it to bring tears to my eyes, and I've kind of been in a funk since then.

Having had my dad and my grandma die in the month of November is hard. Like I said, I don't have much love for this month. However, I want to remember them during this time. So, if you have a story, please share it with us. At least then I'll know I'm not the only one who can recall the sound of their voices.

I'm going to be a father soon. Like, really soon. My wife today is 31 weeks pregnant, and I'm a mess about it. I don't have anything ready. I've gained like 10 lbs since late summer. I'm worried and feeling sick all the time. If I had any hair left to lose it'd be gone. The other fathers in my life (my friends and family) all tell me I'll be alright. I'm sure they know what they're talking about. It just seems like I won't.

So, I'm nervous, sure, but if I'm being really honest, (which apparently I am) what I'm feeling is grief. I miss my dad so much right now. He would know what I'm going through. Not that the other men in my life, especially my step-dad, Steve, don't know what I'm going through. They do, and Steve has been a solid rock for me lately. My dad, though - most of my personality came from him. The things I'm most worried about aren't that the nursery isn't ready, or how the dog going to react to a new baby at home. - WHERE ARE WE GONNA KEEP ALL THE DIAPERS?! - No, the things I'm most worried about are, what if I'm not enough? What can I even teach my little girl? How will I keep her safe? What have I really done with my life? Can we afford this? How can I be sure I'm not screwing this up? 

I know you'll probably think, "Psshh, you'll be fine. I had blah blah blah and I turned out alright." True enough. And considering that I also had blah blah blah and I turned out alright, this should be expected. What about a baby born in 2019? I think there are far more opportunities for children and parents now than there were thirty years ago. (Which is really exciting, by the way.) I also think there are far more dangers and I'm terrified. So, I don't know what the next ten years looks like for me... I don't even know what this year looks like for me. I have no expectations. And I think that's what I'm most afraid of.

Remember that grief I mentioned earlier? It isn't just because I'm missing my dad. Here's the thing... I've been pretty selfish most of my adult life. Until I met Ashley, I pretty much did whatever I wanted. I'd buy anything I wanted, even if I couldn't really afford it, eat and drink whatever I wanted, and stayed up or out late because I wanted to. I didn't have anyone else to care for. I didn't care. I know that isn't unusual for a single guy in his twenties. Marriage pretty much ended that for me, and for the better. But if I'm being honest, (which apparently I am) I'm not ready to put away childish things. I want to eat whatever and drink whatever. I want to stay up late on weekdays playing video games. I want to spend $200 on comic books and collectables.

I've been a walking ball of nerves and anger for a few months now, and after a little bit of introspection, I think it's laying heavy on me that I have to give these things up. Sure, you could say that it's not about giving things up, but finding a balance that works in your life. And you'd probably be right. The thing is though, I need to get physically and mentally healthy. Yes, marriage "pretty much" ended these habits, but it didn't stop them completely. I need to put an end to my selfish behavior so I can physically be there for my family; so I can be mentally prepared for my new life.

I guess it's common. It's nothing extraordinary that I'm feeling. I'm going to be a father soon. I'm nervous, scared as hell, and totally committed to being the best that I can be.

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